Love in business? Anathema, no? You can’t fall in love with your clients – much too messy, you say.
Well, consider this…
Many of my clients are reasonably to very attractive men, in responsible if not powerful positions, very bright. And, by signing up with me, they are embarking on a journey of self-discovery leading to deeper self-awareness and more conscious, healthy choices. The kind of man many women might think “What’s not to love?“
I’ll be honest. It could be easy for me to fall in love with many of them. With my female clients as well – motivated, accomplished women with a vision for a difference they can make in the world around us.
What???!! you might be thinking. That’s unethical; you should be struck off…
The first time it happened – many years ago, when I first became a coach – I had the same thought. It felt exceedingly awkward and uncomfortable when I realized what was happening. It was hard to even think about taking it to a colleague, though I did of course; to explore whether I should step back from working with this client, go for therapy, stop being a coach altogether …
Comes with the Territory…
What I learned then is that the kind of work I do is emotionally intimate work. My clients and I are exploring their blocks, sometimes their deepest fears, the things that most confuse them; sometimes things that are hard to admit. Of course there could be opportunities for professional caring to drift into personal territory — on both sides. To ignore that is to be irresponsible.
And this dynamic is well known: in the coaching profession, in therapeutic professions, in high-pressure business situations… let’s be realistic, in any situations where human beings interact closely, particularly when under stress.
That’s why part of my training, as is the training of any professional that works closely with others’ emotions, was in how to recognize and deal with it when it happens. Because it confusion happens; that’s not the question. The question is, how honest are you able to be with yourself about it, where do you go for support, and do you deal with it promptly, responsibly, and ethically?
So what does one do when faced with such a dilemma? Run from it (or even walk away calmly)? Resign? Only work with unattractive people?
The Only Way Out is Through
What worked for me all those years ago was going toward, not away from my situation. Not with my client, mind you. But I did explore it with trusted colleagues and a sensible friend (or two or three), who could help me reflect on what was really going on.
Which I did every time it ever came close to happening again (and it does get easier, by the way, the clearer you are about who you are and what your priorities are). And each time I realized something that I believe is key to doing business, whatever your field.
Dare to Fall In Love
Dare to fall in healthy love with your customers. By this I mean identify and want the best for the person – and in my case, help them to go find it – without inserting ourselves into the equation.
Speaking for myself, I find that when I am doing this on a regular basis, it’s a sign that I am working with the right people, doing the work I’m most meant to be doing; sharing the best of myself; calling forth the best in them. Which I believe is what healthy love is all about.
Do Your Own Work; Use Your Support Network
When I came close to falling into that grey space where the professional could become personal, I drew on the lessons I learned from my own divorce and subsequent personal work, as well as on my professional training. I made sure my boundaries were in place, but transparent to my client(s).
Which was, of course, the gist of the conversations I had with my trusted advisors and confidants back when this piece of learning to be a professional first happened to me. I say it often in this space – develop strong, healthy networks, and use them. Regularly, and with courageous vulnerability.
The Results
As for the people about whom I have had moments of confusion? With this sort of help from my colleagues and regular self-reflection (typically journaling and meditation), I kept (and keep) my side of the street clean, which has created clear boundaries and healthy, long-term working relationships with many clients, male and female. Satisfied clients who know they can trust me to go to the deepest places with them, because – even though they aren’t always aware of what goes into it from my side – they know they can trust that I hold safe, healthy space for them, whatever they need to explore.
Because I have done (and continue to do) my own work, which is what creates the safe space for them to do theirs.
Would it be helpful for you to have a safe, trusted thinking partner with whom to explore the challenges you face? Feel free to book a session with me here – no charge – and let’s see if there’s a fit for us to work together.
Beautiful newsletter Deb. Important message
Love the photo too. Very bright and colorful…like you.
Ingrid
Love this blog post — and I completely agree. Both from the client’s side and the coach’s. One other thing a dear coach told me once: “people often confuse listening with love. Because it feels so good (for the client) to be heard, they often confuse that with love.”
Thank you, Rhonda — and great point. Thank you for contributing!