How do you handle those toughest of times, when you need all the strength you can muster? What rock do you stand on? If you are in a challenging situation, reflect on this…
Whether you run your own business, in which case it all rests on your shoulders, or work in a situation for which others have make or break responsibility, we all have bad days, for which we need strength to make it through.
Matt Damon summed this up nicely in a mentoring session for young astronauts at the end of the movie Martian. Having faced his own death, he essentially told them, at some point everything will go wrong, and you realize you could easily die. You can either accept that, or go to work. If you don’t want to die, you need to take the next step; do the next right thing.
Sometimes running a business feels this way. An important deadline slips. We say the wrong thing and imperil a project or piece of income that we need to pay the bills. A client leaves, then another, then another for no other reason than that each has run its course, but suddenly a full pipeline is almost empty. You are already exhausted from trying to juggle all the balls you currently have in the air, much less find new ones. Professional and personal setbacks pile up…
When life gets tough, it can be tempting to give up, to dive under the duvet and just hide. And life does get tough – for all of us. You can count on it – it’s part of the ride. So where do you find strength to keep going? What is the rock you stand on when all around you feels uncertain? How do you decide what the next right step is; what part do trust and faith play?
This month I want to share a story with you, as well as one of my all-time favorite books – see the Resources to explore these questions.
The Story
When I was first in the UK in the role of European Marketing Manager for a small software company, the PR agency I hired and managed had a golf day. Apparently women were not really welcome on their golf course, as they invited my (male) boss to this event instead of me. Fortunately my boss, an open-minded and somewhat mischievous man, had me accept the invitation, which at the time appealed to me as an opportunity to make a stand for women’s lib.
However, turning up on the day as one of only two women (they made someone else from their organization join to keep me company) in a group of about 50 men was not exactly comfortable. I felt like nobody wanted me there, and so of course I couldn’t hit a thing all morning, even though I’d played before and wasn’t half bad. It was nerves, but I felt like an ineffectual idiot in a professional setting. Nor did I feel like I could talk to anyone else in my foursome, who all just seemed irritated with me.
However, after lunch and a beer, I played in a foursome with some very relaxed guys. Not expecting any sympathy from what was by that time feeling to me like ‘the enemy’, I had shared how I was feeling with a couple of them, mostly because I was planning to leave early. However, to my surprise they were kind and encouraging, so I decided “what the heck, just enjoy this”. I stayed, and relaxed into it along with them, and when, on one of the holes, I kept my head down, swung through, and connected with the ball in that way that keeps golfers coming back to the game despite its myriad frustrations, I was just happy to take a great shot. I had no idea – until all my teammates started cheering excitedly – that I’d just come close to a hole-in-one on the hole for which there was a prize for Nearest the Pin. Which I ultimately won. Not only that, but our team also won the Best Ball competition. All because I slipped into the flow, relaxed, and let the people who were willing to, support me.
Some Life Learnings
Now, this is not an example of the worst possible thing that could happen to a person – being embarrassed in front of a bunch of guys on a golf course is not life-shattering. I have, however, lived through a few life-shattering events in my life as well, including the death of my sister when I was 19, a divorce, uncovering buried trauma in my immediate family, being forced into bankruptcy, and the death of both my parents.
So I’m saying from experience that when the worst possible thing(s) happen, often the best thing we can do is the counter-intuitive. Slow down, stop even… Take a deep breath. Catch up on sleep so you can think straight… Do your best, then let it go. Reach out for support from other people; talk about the things that feel most uncomfortable, even with improbable people.
These things are easy to say; much harder to do in the moment when the adrenaline is pumping, gearing us up to fight or flee. It can be tempting to feel like we should stay on that adrenaline high; ride the wave, give what can feel like an obligatory high-energy response to a difficult task or situation.
However, what I am proposing are not just a “woowoo” responses to difficult problems. Neuroscience backs them up, teaching us that we have the choice to be at the mercy of our body’s drugs (adrenaline, dopamine, etc.), or to get back into balance and use them to their best advantage. This is what meditation, reflection, and taking time for ourselves gives us…
The Steps to Take
So when the crunch hits,
- Let go of extraneous (unnecessary) tasks; say NO to anything not directly related to the project, task, or emergency at hand
- Take breaks, and nourish yourself well with food, fresh air, and water, so your head can clear
- Settle for less than; let 80% be good enough
- Think small. Take small steps and celebrate the small victories along the way
- Talk about it. Get support and help from those around you; tell them what you are up against, and what you need from them
- Find new resources. If you can’t tell the people around you what’s really going on, find new people that you can tell
- Use your strengths, and those of others, wisely.
Share Your Learnings
I’d love to hear what you thought of this blog; also always, if having a thinking partner would be useful to you.
Here’s to your best work, even in the tough times!
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