Some days, life stinks. Work feels like a trap, full of crazy people you have nothing in common with, most of whom are out to get you, or at least so it feels. Your side job is falling apart. You have no partner to vent to, or the one you have suddenly feels like a stranger. You have no kids, or overnight, yours have turned into demons with no resemblance to those lovely cuddly babies you longingly remember. And just to ice the cake, you start hearing that people all around you – both publicly and privately – are dying, the weather is cold and grey, and the nutters are taking over all the governments, threatening life as we know it for the foreseeable future… On days like this, it can feel like a tsunami of pain, loneliness, and even horror threatens to overwhelm us. So how to find the strength to get up and try again…?
These Tools Will Help
Here are some of the tools I’ve learned over the years, to deal with these times that we all experience, sooner or later:
1. Pay attention to the signs – the short temper instead of your normal equanimity, reluctance to get out of bed, a sinking feeling of bleakness, even waves of panic. These feelings are indicators that something is up, and needs your attention. There’s nothing wrong with having those feelings – the problem comes when you ignore them, or can’t hear what they are trying to tell you.
2. Have patience – with yourself as well as with those around you. Be willing to notice but not go off the deep end; to sit with the difficult feelings to understand what they have to tell you.
A colleague* who has recently been on a steep life learning curve shared a few approaches she uses to navigate such situations. She says they help her step off-stage for a minute and look at what’s going on from a broader perspective. For example, she asks herself:
- If I am in this place for a reason, what would that be? From a broader perspective, stepping back to get a more objective perspective, what’s the learning?
- If I blew something, what can I learn from the failure? (Harvard Business Review has published over a dozen articles on learning from failure, and considers it one of the most underutilized sources of growth in the business arena. If you stay open to risk taking, the next challenge or prize may be even bigger).
- What do I know now that will better equip me to tackle the next contest with better results? She finds the same is true of relationships – that the people who most irritate her are there to teach her something, if she only pays attention. She says trust me, I know having patience can be really, really challenging, but it’s easier when you…
3. Exercise trust. Whether in a power greater than yourself, in yourself, or in life, actively choose to trust that this is a temporary state and it will pass. Remember other times you’ve felt similar feelings, and how you moved through them. Also remember that trust is a verb. My friend again: If something I wanted didn’t happen, how clear was my intention? Or maybe this was not meant to be, and I just couldn’t see it. For example, she recently thought she’d found a good interim employment situation. but the picture kept shifting on the employer’s side. Finally she got a heads-up from an acquaintance there that the manager would probably shoehorn her into a more junior position. She withdrew from consideration, and is glad she did. In other words, sometimes “the Force is with you” and you just don’t know it. So let it go: This or something better, for the highest good of all concerned.
4. Change your scenery. Particularly if you are working from home, get up and move around. Stretch, go for a walk, exercise. Help your brain move out of the grooves it can slip into; change the record.
5. Reach out to someone. If you are fortunate enough to have a trusted friend or advisor on-call, now is the time to chat. Call that friend who always makes you laugh. Set up a tennis, walk, or coffee date. Walk someone’s dog. But reach out; tough stuff should not be attempted alone! And take the risk to tell the truth. “A burden shared is a burden eased”. This may be more possible after you’ve come out of the dip, but think about who you can put on call for the next time to buffer yourself, to notice and stop the dip. How can you consciously strengthen your support system when you are feeling stronger, so you have a place to turn when you are not?
6. Journal/meditate/pray. Do some self-reflection and self-connection to understand what might be trying to get your attention. Is there a relationship that needs changing? Something you’ve been tolerating that is no longer tolerable? Something you’ve been ignoring that it’s time to deal with? Take some time to meditate to help you explore what’s working and what’s not working in your life at the moment. Is there a habitual response you’ve slipped into that doesn’t work anymore? If so, in whatever way fits with your belief system, this is a good tie to pray.
7. Get creative. Sew, dance, sing, play music (or an instrument), draw, paint – whatever your source of self-expression, do it now. If what comes out feels black and horrible, it needed to come out, and is better out than in, festering. Someone on one of my courses did this with powerful results, and it stood him in good stead for many years.
8. Speaking of courses, this might be a good time to take one. Yoga or a cuddle workshop? Acting or emotional intelligence workshops? What speaks to you? Go there, and let yourself connect with like-minded people. Sometimes just knowing there are others like you takes a lot of pressure off.
9. Finally, look in previously unconsidered places. For instance are you overwhelmed, which might indicate that you are highly sensitive? A right-brained engineer in a left-brained company? A pioneer among builders? Unique in some way that you’ve always considered a weakness, but that may be your strength? There are as many ways to be on this planet as there are humans – find and revel in yours.
A Counter-Intuitive Adventure
Life can be a wonderful adventure – if you view it as one. For most of us, the truth is, that every day it is not. And yet, that’s actually part of the adventure, though this may feel counter-intuitive to some. Yet it is the times of confusion and loss that can lead to the strongest and deepest connections, the greatest appreciation of those around us, and the most important changes, if we are willing to risk reaching out and being vulnerable, while remaining autonomous and responsible for our experiences and choices. You can do this! And if it would help to have a coach to work with to reset your direction, please be in touch. If I can’t help you myself, I know many good people who can.
*From Kathleen O’Connor, longtime and highly valued copy editor of this newsletter, who occasionally contributes great insights, to my delight.
Great – as always. Rich content, beautifully written. 2 relevant clips I’ve seen recently that you and your readers might like:
1. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wHGqp8lz36c
2. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8CrOL-ydFMI